Expected versus unexpected behaviours in children

Historically there has been a tendency to think we can teach children social behaviour by setting behavioural expectations and then simply telling children if they were successful or not. This coupled with how disappointed/upset we are when our child is unsuccessful can cause more harm than good.

As a parent, it can be frustrating and upsetting if our child doesn’t behave appropriately and it triggers behaviour in us that we often regret. But, rather than be disappointed, upset or angry, encourage a change of behaviour by talking about expected versus unexpected behaviour. This simple language can help a child to understand social norms and doesn’t come without the emotional content of disappointing mum or anyone else.

It can be summarised by saying that expected behaviour encourages others to feel calm or possibly even pleased in response to social behaviour. Unexpected behaviour makes others feel stressed or possibly become upset by it.

Using the language of “what behaviour do you think is expected in that situation?” is far better than “you behaved badly, mummy is very cross/disappointed/upset”. A child’s ability to think through their behaviour in a situation is the path to a change in that behaviour. Guiding your child towards what is expected will be far more helpful than punishing “bad behaviour”. Children crave attention, whether positive or negative. Rewarding expected behaviours rather than focusing attention on what the child did wrong will create greater change.

There are obviously a lot more expected behaviours at school so using this language will help your child to settle and encourage good peer relationships. Start the day with a chat about “what is expected from you today?” (listen to the teacher, sit on the mat, learn something etc ) If your child is struggling in social situations, encourage a discussion around “what do you think your friends expected you to do?” to work out if your child is missing out on social cues that are making others feel stressed or upset.

If your child is finding “expected behaviours” a challenge and seems to be overwhelmed by these expectations, then it may be worth a chat with an expert to help work out if something more is going on. A lack of social skills needs to be nipped in the bud before your child develops insecurities that might stop him or her on the path to becoming a socially capable adult.

Karen Rushbrook

kmrcounselling.