Raising boys

Boys and rough and tumble behavior.

Boys are genetically different to girls in their behavior. There is more and more evidence from neuroscience that can show that girls’ and boys’ brains function quite differently and so it makes sense that some of their behaviours will also differ. This is not only in how they play and the need to move, but respect for others and the world around them. Rough and tumble play is OK and automatic in most boys, it is in fact how they create connections. The most important thing we can teach our boys is “the line in the sand”. It is OK to be boisterous, but, we need to teach our boys the three rules that help them to not cross the line:

1. Do not hurt yourself.

2. Do not hurt others

3. Do not hurt the world around you.

Teaching your son boundaries around play is important, and will be important as he moves into adulthood. Little boys need to learn containment. They need to learn the important rules for physical play. If a child gets hurt from boisterous play it is a time to explain the rules and praise them when this rule is followed.

There is a simple technique that can help explain this to young children and this is talking about “expected” versus “unexpected behavior”. If you have young boys over to your house to play, explain to them “this is what I expect” and lay the ground rules above. If someone gets hurt then it a simple case of reminding them what was expected, talking about the unexpected and teaching them to problem solve. This is a valuable technique because it holds no judgement, no admonishment for what is a natural part of boy’s behavior. If we don’t allow boys to be boisterous, or make them feel bad for doing so, they never learn to regulate their behavior.

Of course, violence is different to boisterousness. If you feel your son is leaning towards violent play, then please seek professional guidance. Contact us on kmrcounselling@gmail.com.

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