Self and emotional regulation in children

When younger children feel overwhelmed by their emotions, their brain goes into survival mode and they act purely on impulse. As adults, when we feel emotionally overwhelmed, we experience intense emotions, but we know how to self-regulate so we express it in a way that is socially acceptable. Children have not learnt this skill yet and so for them it is harder.

Adults can be quick to label children’s emotional outbursts as them acting out or attention seeking. They can assume that the child is "naughty", "demanding" or blame the parents. It is important to understand that children are not acting out on purpose to get our attention, they are just reacting on impulses with no control and this makes it is hard to watch and to deal with.

Learning the skills of Emotional regulation and Self regulation will help to encourage behaviours that are socially acceptable and less distressing.

So how can I do this with my child?

When a child is feeling intense emotions, you need to model the appropriate behaviour. This means staying calm, keeping your voice monotone, coming down to their level and showing patience. If you meet your child at their intensity, this will only make them more intense. Some of the strategies that can be used include:

Deep breathing:

Model this by holding their hands or catching their gaze and deep breathe exaggeratedly in front of them. All you need to do is make sure that your out breath is longer than your in breath and the body will calm itself down.

Time-out:

Come up with a hand signal that means time-out is needed. When kids are in the "zone" there is no reasoning with them, it is better for all concerned to have a break and come back when calm has been restored.

Calm box: Create a calm box or have a special something that can help them handle the overwhelming emotions. The calm box can be put in a calm corner of the house and used when emotions are intensifying. Ideas for the box include small teddy, snacks, fidget toys, photos, colouring book, beads etc etc

Distraction:

Anything that can distract your child away from what is happening, this can include singing a song they like, playing music, doing star jumps, Throwing a ball around outside, Jumping on a trampoline or moving their body from side to side.

The more "rhythmic" the better, as rhythms help us to soothe and calm us down quicker. Hence why we rock crying babies and use rocking chairs or drive around in a car to send babies to sleep.

Emotional detective:

When calm has been restored, usually takes about 30 mins, then play emotional detective with your child. What was it that happened in their mind, where did they feel it in their body. What can happen next time to help them. Use "open questions" so that they can really explore what happened. Remember to go down their path, not yours. By that I mean, avoid saying "well that was silly" or "all that fuss about nothing", and so on. Avoid the word "why" because often, even as adults we don't understand why we feel what we feel and it is the same for children.

If you feel your child needs help to gain self or emotional regulation, please get in touch with us for more help.

Karen Rushbrook.