The Four Horsemen of Relationship Apocalypse.

Gottman was a therapist who after years of research could predict whether a couple would get divorced or not. A key contribution to predicting the end of a relationship were what he called, the four horsemen of the apocolypse. In the realm of relationships, communication is often hailed as the cornerstone of understanding, empathy, and intimacy. However, just as words can build bridges, they can also signal the downfall a connection. Drawing parallels from the metaphorical Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, let's delve into how Gottman believes specific communication styles can forecast the end of a relationship.

1. Criticism: The First Horseman

The first horseman, criticism, manifests in more than just pointing out flaws; it's a venomous attack on the core of one's being. Distinguishing between a complaint and criticism is crucial. A complaint addresses specific actions or events, while criticism delves into attacking a partner's character. The insidious nature of criticism lies in its ability to pave the way for further destructive behaviors within a relationship.

Consider this scenario:

• Complaint: “I was scared when you were running late and didn’t call me. I thought we had agreed to check-in with each other.”

• Criticism: “You never consider how your actions impact others. You're not forgetful; you're just selfish. You only care about yourself, never about me!”

2. Contempt: The Second Horseman

Contempt, the second horseman, transcends criticism with its toxic brew of disrespect and disdain. It manifests through sarcasm, disdainful remarks, and belittling gestures. When contempt creeps into communication, it breeds feelings of worthlessness and malice, poisoning the very essence of a relationship.

Imagine the damaging impact of contempt:

• Eye-rolling, sneering, or sarcastic comments that belittle your partner.

• Using mockery or insults to undermine their feelings.

3. Defensiveness: The Third Horseman

The third horseman, defensiveness, emerges as a shield against criticism — a reflex to protect oneself from perceived attacks. While defense mechanisms are natural, chronic defensiveness deflects responsibility and hinders constructive dialogue. Relationships plagued by defensiveness often become battlegrounds where blame-shifting and avoidance reign supreme.

Recognizing defensiveness:

• Consistently deflecting blame onto your partner.

• Refusing to take ownership of your actions.

4. Stonewalling: The Fourth Horseman

Stonewalling, the final horseman, marks the death knell of communication in relationships. It involves shutting down emotionally, withdrawing, and giving the silent treatment. When one partner stonewalls, it creates a chasm of silence that stifles resolution and exacerbates feelings of isolation and disconnection.

Signs of stonewalling include:

• Withdrawal from conversations or dialogues.

• Ignoring your partner's attempts to communicate.

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As the Four Horsemen of communication styles wreak havoc on relationships, awareness becomes key. Recognizing these patterns early empowers individuals to break the cycle and forge healthier ways of interacting. By cultivating empathy, active listening, and constructive dialogue, couples can navigate through turbulent times and fortify the foundations of their bond.

Recognisng the four horsemen and avoiding them in your communication patterns will ultimately build a relationship that can last.

If you would like to improve your communication style, please get in touch.

Karen Rushbrook

kmrcounselling