The importance of Attachment.

Secure. Avoidant. Anxious. Disorganized. Which type of attachment style do you have?

Have you ever noticed that you usually think and act in certain ways in romantic relationships?

Maybe you’re a bit jealous and afraid of being alone for too long. Or perhaps you feel confident and totally trusting of your partner.

One possible explanation for these patterns is attachment theory. Knowing your unique attachment style can help you become more self-aware and build healthier long-term partnerships.

Attachment style theory

Attachment theory, developed by John Bowlby and expanded by Mary Ainsworth in the 1950s, explains how the bond with primary caregivers influences relationships throughout life.

The four types of attachment styles:

• secure

• avoidant (aka dismissive, or anxious-avoidant in children)

• anxious (aka preoccupied, or anxious-ambivalent in children)

• disorganized (aka fearful-avoidant in children)

Avoidant, anxious, and disorganized are considered insecure attachment styles.

If a child can consistently rely on their parents to fulfill their needs growing up, they’re likely to develop a secure attachment style. They’ll see relationships as a safe space where they can express their emotions freely.

On the other hand, insecure attachment styles develop if a child has had a strained bond with their caregivers. This happens when the child learns they may not be able to rely on others.

“We unconsciously expect our romantic partners to act as our parents did, and therefore, we act in certain ways due to these expectations,” says Jordan. These tendencies play out whether or not we realize it.

What’s a secure attachment style?

Secure attachment is defined by an ability to build healthy, long-lasting relationships.

Signs of a secure attachment style include:

• ability to regulate your emotions

• easily trusting others

• effective communication skills

• ability to seek emotional support

• comfortable being alone

• comfortable in close relationships

• ability to self-reflect in partnerships

• being easy to connect with

• ability to manage conflict well

• high self-esteem

• ability to be emotionally available

What’s an avoidant attachment style?

Avoidant, dismissive-avoidant, or anxious-avoidant are all words for the same insecure attachment style.

You might have an anxious-avoidant attachment style if you:

• persistently avoid emotional or physical intimacy

• feel a strong sense of independence

• are uncomfortable expressing your feelings

• are dismissive of others

• have a hard time trusting people

• feel threatened by anyone who tries to get close to you

• spend more time alone than interacting with others

  
  
  
  

• believe you don’t need others in your life.

Attachment styles have the potential to be altered through efforts to identify your own attachment style and that of your partner, and collaborating to establish a new way of bonding. By helping individuals with anxious or avoidant attachment styles to understand their triggers and modify their childhood attachment patterns with caregivers, they can transition into a secure attachment style, fostering enduring and fulfilling relationships.

If you would like help around your attachment styles, please feel free to get in touch.

Karen Rushbrook

kmrcounselling